Because I Can

Because when we don’t, we know we are not being true to ourselves.

Because when we don’t, we know there is something more we could have done.

Because when we don’t, we forget how to conquer fear.

Because someone else is doing something that isn’t quite as good.

I am trying. This past week, I gave my second Toastmasters speech. I am learning to conquer my fear, my nerves. I am sharing my stories. I am being me.

It is a little scary to be me. I haven’t been me much lately, not in public. It seems to be working for me, though. I’m getting positive feedback. I’m feeling more confident. There is a long road ahead, but I am on it again.

I feel like I am always saying this. Like maybe I am lying to myself because I have to keep finding my way again and again. But maybe that is how it is done. I am doing some kind of zig-zag dance toward a moving goal. Toward a few moving goals. Er, that might be the problem. But having more confidence is necessary no matter what my goals are.

I can tell you one thing: writing speeches is making me write. I’m writing far more than I’m saying because I’m having to work through the ideas to narrow them down, get to the focus point. Then I have to flesh it out until it feels complete. Then I have to cut out the lines that make me go over the time limit… it’s a process. A process that appeals to me for some reason. A process that feels almost natural. And that feels scary, somehow. Like it shouldn’t be something that one likes to do.

But if I think about it for a second or two, it is the Writing Process. Instead of submitting a written script, I am blurting it out in front of an audience. Skipping the part that I can’t do with my writing – sending it out to be rejected. Skipping straight to instant feedback.

It’s awful and wonderful at the same time, and it’s over in 5 to 7 minutes. I can do that.

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