Do not publish this post

Struggling to stay on track. Discouraged by the mountain of work ahead to get to where I want to be. Feeling like I am just going in circles…

And then I see it: I am afraid of being wrong, doing it wrong. I am afraid of being less than perfect at the one thing I have always wanted.

Those things I have finished without any reason had no bearing on my view of my true self. If I failed, there were no consequences. I was able to try without worrying about feeling like a failure. No risk.

But when it comes to the truly important, the truly deep deep desires, my courage looks like a cardboard cut-out of a stick-figure sketch of courage. Everything I’ve been babbling about is out the window and I want to find more similies to explain how devastating this is and yet so familiar and unsurprising.

Note to self: do not publish this post. Because I am that afraid of looking like I don’t know what I’m doing. I get a lot of mileage out of thinking I’m in control and making all the choices.

I like appearing confident and brave. I am. I really am. But sometimes it takes more guts than I thought it would. This is one of those times. It’s hard to describe this feeling, and yet it seems like it is probably one of the most common feelings ever. The feeling that you might not be able to do what you want to do. The fear that you aren’t good enough.

But I have to be.


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